Day 22 - Your Praises

Choir practice today was really tiring. Sang till I was close to hoarse. The worst thing is that there's choir practice tomorrow again. Sigh. Hope my voice recovers by tomorrow or I'm kinda screwed. Hate it when I can't sing properly during practice.

Ms Lim praised your sops and altos today. I felt warm inside when I heard the praises for the altos. Its means that you've stepped up your game and that you're singing well in the choir. Good job. Keep it up. I wish I could have the chance to come over and hear you sing in your section, but it'd be intruding, and kinda weird. Oh well, guess I'll have to settle for praises of your performance through the mouths of others, which is still great to hear.

I also heard of the problems arising in your choir. If it helps, you're not alone, cause I am here going through the same problems with you. Hope you're dealing well with them. I'm sure you'll find the right solutions to solve them. Thats the you that I know. Always on the ball and playing well.

Take care of yourself,

twistedshaft.
07/04/09
i pray for you every night. you never fail to be the first and last thing on my mind.

Day 21 - A Long Day

School took a very long time to end today cause of literature consolidation. Its not as bad as it sounds. Literature consolidation doesn't mean remedials. It just kinda means like extra lessons that everyone has to go for. Literature lesson, I shall say, wasn't that bad. We studied an interesting poem by Wilfred Owen which outlined the terror, the pressure and the expectations of being a soldier back in WWI, Britain. It was pretty dark and morbid, characteristic of this particular poet. Made me kinda think about life in school. The terror of failing, the pressure from the teachers and parents, not to mention the expectations of the family too. I could think of and draw out many parallels between life as a soldier in WWI and life as a student in Singapore. This left me pretty discouraged when looking at my life.

Training after consolidation was good though. Quite a contrast to the rest of the day. I felt really good and had a lot of fun training with the team. Sometimes I think to myself, playing in the softball team is so much simpler than leading and singing in a choir. All I have to do is to hit well, field well and catch well. Simple. Choir is so much more complicated. There's the singing component, worrying about the part I'm singing. Am I singing it right? Am I singing loud enough? Then there's the leading part, worrying about the morale of the choir, worrying about the politics going on in the choir. Its complicated.

I wonder how you cope with it all. Politics are so tiring. I remember the time when you shared with me your problems about politics in the choir too. Deep inside I felt quite thankful that I didn't have your problems to deal with. Well I guess what comes around goes around. Its my turn now to face those problems. Oh well, you survived, and I will too.

Hoping you're coping fine with your studies and choir,

twistedshaft.
06/04/09
the results for the blocks should be out now, i know you'll do just fine.

Day 20 - Aftermath

Everyone seems to be really emotional lately. Strangely, it kinda makes me feel better to have people to feel down and under with me. I'm really behind with everything. Homework isn't close to half done. I can't seem to focus in choir and softball. Lessons become a bore. Church seems mundane and useless. Procrastination has become a close friend. Along with its lackeys sleep and relaxation.

I feel out of it. Out of sync with my life. Out of sync with the world.
I guess the words of the song ring true.

Breakeven - The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I wonder if you're actually doing fine, unaffected by all of this.
All of this, that effortlessly throws me out of sync with everything around me.
I guess when a heart breaks, it don't break even.

twistedshaft.
05/04/09
i'm falling to pieces. with nothing to put me back together.

Day 19 - A Message

"You must really not like me. Its evident from the fact that we can barely hold up a friendly relationship for more than a month before you start to pull away again, leaving me confused and alone, at my wits' end trying to figure out why. Why did it turn out this way again, for the second time. Maybe its time you told me the truth. The reason why even a friendship isn't possible between us. You told me that we were friends. I guess you lied."

I really felt like sending this out. A message composed while I was sitting in the car on the way home after dinner. You really have me at my wits' end. The way your words encourage me, giving me evidence to hope for a friendship between us, but then later followed by cold silence, tearing whatever existing hope into pieces. The conflicting actions from you really leave me standing at the edge of a cliff. All it would take would be a small nudge, a light breeze, and off I would go.

I don't understand you. I don't understand why you act out this way. It isn't the first time I've been met with this circumstance, and they're both from you. Why won't you explain yourself? Instead of just staying silent and acting as if nothing had ever happened.

Why?

twistedshaft.
04/04/09
i'm hanging onto the last knot of my rope and i still don't know why...

Day 18 - Lumos '09

After choir practice today, my close friends and I rushed across the road to watch a rock cum dance charity concert, Lumos '09. We got there during the intermission and thankfully, all the good acts hadn't gone up yet. Got to listen to Finding Michelle, Redeeming the Riot, Timothy Ip, Hartono and many more performers. They were really good, especially Hartono. Everyone is improving so much musically leaving us in their tracks. Listening to Hartono live was, hard to admit, pretty good. Made me want to improve so much more musically to catch up to him. But with school and cca in the way, its pretty hard to find solid time to hone my skills. Oh well, step by step, I'll get there.

It felt pretty nostalgic to be across the road again. Not just looking across every morning, but actually being in the place. I didn't see you in the crowd. Figured you wouldn't be interested anyway. It was a rock concert. Plus, it was on a Friday night, you'd probably need the sleep.

I was observing all the concert go-ers who were there leaving for home or for supper. When I saw everyone slowly pairing up, feelings of hopelessness started seep into me. I saw band members of various bands, all having someone who'll congratulate them on a good performance regardless of how good it really was. I missed it. I began to think back on a past performance I did where you were there to wish me the best before and congratulate me after I had sung. It's this small act, just a few words, that made the performance so insignificant. All I needed were those words. However, at this point of time, even words are hard to come by, much less encouragement or congratulation.

I feel hopeless, needy.
Singing, song-writing and performing run on inspiration.
I've lost that.
You.

twistedshaft.
03/04/09
i need to get back what i've lost, i need closure.

Day 17 - Thoughts of Confrontation

Had softball training today. A pretty fruitful one. Felt really tired, or "cui", as I would probably say. Legs are gonna ache for the next few days for sure. I always make it a point to learn something new every training I have. I have too few of them for sure cause of choir practices. Today, what I learnt is the importance of being confident and daring. When I see a fast ball coming towards me, I must learn to go all out to field that ball, despite knowing that the chances of me stopping it are pretty low. Going all out and trying for it is what coach wants so I must do it. What I must overcome is the emotional barrier, the hesitation before fielding every ball. Once I've got that down, I should see some improvement in my game.

This new lesson on confidence and being daring really made me think about the situation now. You just going all silent without warning, and me left here confused and alone. I've been doing nothing. Just thinking to myself, keeping to myself, being emotional. Nothing. Maybe I should muster the courage, the confidence and dare to ask you why? Why are you doing this? Why?

Am I really just being the good guy? Giving you the benefit of the doubt? Just stepping back and giving you some space to figure everything out? Or have I been wrong all this while?

Have I just been scared? Hesitant to make a move? Afraid to ask you why?

Sigh. So many unanswered questions. The list grows further.

twistedshaft.
02/04/09
even if I asked, would you answer?

Day 16 - April Fools'

And yet another day passes.
A pretty tiring one filled with hours of singing.
Its no surprise really, that I think of you all the time whilst I sing.
Its because you love to do it too.
Always thought it'd be cool if you'd sing something with me.
A bit far-sighted, I know.

I tried to write a song today. In GP lecture.
Couldn't quite think of a topic to write on that didn't find itself somehow drawing a link to you.
The songs I write reflect how I feel inside, and lately, they haven't been of the cheerful sort.
I will write a song soon. Already got the tune down.
Its just the lyrics that need to be written.
Still can't decide. Will I write a song to express how you make me feel?
Think I've already written 2 of those.
Or will I write one on how you sometimes make me just want to scream into my pillow in the fits of frustration you often leave me in?
Tough decision.
Only got one tune.

Heard from a friend that someone has heard of my escapades.
Still can't quite put my finger on who provided the information leak.
Thought I kept it pretty "low pro", a term I heard somewhere, among my school and friends.
Only exclusive to my very very selectively close friends.
Was it you perhaps?
Will you not speak to me, but speak to those who know me instead?
Yet another question unanswered. Another one to add to the list.

So many unanswered questions build up inside of me.
I wonder if I'll ever get the answers I long for.

Happy April Fools' Day by the way,

twistedshaft.
01/04/09
silence ain't never answered no questions. how much longer are you going to keep up this silence?

Day 15 - The Balcony

Every morning I seem to find myself drawn to the balcony, just to gaze at your school.
When I'm alone at that balcony, I always seem to find my thoughts wandering off, and I watch them as they slowly float across the road to where you are.
The most common thought that comes to mind is always "I wonder what she's up to now?" and I've always ever hoped that you'd be doing something fun and enjoyable.
The images of you in my head have always been those of you smiling widely, ever exuding your joy to me as they pop into my head.
This joy, however, is often followed by a wave of sorrow when reality hits me and I accept the fact that I haven't seen that smile of yours or even read or heard a word from you for 15 days.

The day passes as it always does. You, now non-existent for 15 days.
Thankfully, an unexpected note from a friend brightens the day up.

Thank you friend,

twistedshaft.
31/03/09
its been 15 days. still without an explanation. and i don't know why...